Lifestyle Wedding Planning

Why I’m Anxious about Marriage

dani and jordan marriage anxiety ice cream engagement pictures

This is why I’m anxious about marriage.

It has nothing to do with me not loving Dani enough. Dani is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Every day that I spend with this person is a blessing. Even today, I called Dani with such an intimate joy as I was filled with this pure excitement in realizing that I get to spend the rest of my life with my best friend. I am chasing after this one for life. But leading up to marriage is bittersweet.

I have never been a great team player.

It is not because I do not like other people and it is not arrogance because I do not see their value in the context of a team. In fact, it is quite the opposite. It is because I doubt my value to them in the context of the team. I do not want to let them down, so sometimes I just do not even try. The voice of inner-insecurity questions my value before I can even try. I still wrestle with this voice in friendships, my career, my family, and those that try and get closest to me. I hide and shy myself because the voice warns that I will just let you down.

In no context was this more prevalent than in baseball.

I remember when I was younger, peewee sports were my worst enemy. Soccer and basketball were fine because I was athletic enough to just run around and never be “open” for someone to pass me the ball, hiding behind the other team, and avoiding at all costs that pivotal moment when people relied on me to score or miss to affect the entire team. I liked basketball because everyone misses free throws. You play me in ping pong and you’ll surely lose because that is only on me. But baseball is still a scar on my childhood. There is no avoiding nine people in the field staring at you, your best friends in the dugout, your coach signaling on third, and your parents behind to see if you’ll strikeout. The pressure is real. I just wanted to be put out in left field and wait for my snow cone.

There is a meaningful lesson here.

I am scared of marriage in the same way that I am scared of baseball.

 

dani and jordan marriage anxiety ice cream engagement pictures

dani and jordan marriage anxiety ice cream engagement pictures

My wedding day is approaching and I realize it.

I have never cherished something as much as I do Dani Austin. With that feeling comes a deep responsibility that I feel. The decisions that I make are not just impacting me anymore. All of my strengths and weaknesses are now vulnerable and visible to this other human. More so, any self-destructive circumstances I have are now going to affect another. If I do not clean the dishes, I subject her to a mess and if my company goes bust, it is not just me that is affected. If my hair turns gray (probably not, great hair genes), she has to stand by my side. My strikeouts and grand slams affect our team now. But this time it is not my childhood friends with bazooka bubble gum staring at me from the dugout disappointed. It is a hopeful, loving beauty that presently thinks I’m a champion.

The most important moments of your life often give you two choices: fight or flight.

I think we all have our own inner-voice. And I think your inner voice bullies you like mine. We listen to this voice and we quit before we even finishing lacing up our Nikes. This is the great tragedy. The plan that God has for you, to bless and prosper you, to utilize your unique talents for His glory is abandoned before began. The blog you never started, the song you never wrote, the promotion you never sought, or the love you never chased because of a lie you believed that you could not. If it does not mildly scare you and feel wholly undeserved then it is probably not a blessing at all. The blessings that come from God are both because they reflect the grace that he extends, not our own merit. But we have to have the courage to play.

My wedding is on May 12th.

My coach on third will be replaced with a pastor. The dugout will remain with our best friends. My parents and their friends will still be in the stands. Instead of nine staring in anticipation, there will be more. My bride will stare back at me. I will step up to the plate and I will choose fight over flight because the risk is worth it. I want to encourage whoever is reading to marry someone that you have to gather the courage to step up to the plate for. Marry someone that makes you question God because you do not understand how such a blessing could come to you.

The day of our wedding will be when the questions cease. It will remain a reminder that He is good and is worth the courage. He made us a team. He brought us to the plate. Sometimes I will hit a home run and she will smile. When I strikeout, she will still give me a butt pat when I come back into the dugout with the grace and hope for my next at bat. The game is life and there will be many innings we play together.

My wedding is on May 12 and I will take my first swing.

And when the game is over we will enjoy our snow cones together.

Jordan Joseph Ramirez

dani and jordan marriage anxiety ice cream engagement pictures

White Embroidered Top // Jeans // Slide-On Mules

 

 

 

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10 Comments

  • Reply
    Hilary
    April 6, 2018 at 4:22 pm

    I recently got engaged. This post was a homerun! I doubt myself and am I good enough for my fiancé? How did I get so lucky? But, Jordan, you crushed it. God put us together to be a team! Thank you for being so vulnerable. I needed this.

    Xoxo
    Hilary

  • Reply
    Megan Bolen
    April 6, 2018 at 4:41 pm

    I love it so much when Jordan guest writes on your blog! He is so eloquent, and it is so sweet how much he loves you, Dani! He should do a monthly/biweekly/weekly series on your blog and I would love to see more vlogs of you too! You are precious together ♥️

  • Reply
    Becca
    April 6, 2018 at 4:51 pm

    What a thoughtful post Jordan. You will make mistakes and let her down. She will do he same. If you continue to choose forgivenesss, you’ll be just fine. Praying for many happy years together! I’ve been married 24 years on April 9th and we we are getting better but still not perfect. Best wishes and trust God to help you enjoy the ride! You’re gonna do great.

  • Reply
    Rossy
    April 6, 2018 at 5:17 pm

    Amazing! Such beautifully stated and oh so true. Thanks for sharing. I am new to following Dani but her beauty is apparent (and I don’t just mean physical)

  • Reply
    Jaslyn
    April 6, 2018 at 7:00 pm

    This is so sweet. I wish you both a life time of happiness ❤️

  • Reply
    Kailey Stodden
    April 6, 2018 at 8:37 pm

    I got goosebumps.

  • Reply
    Masha
    April 7, 2018 at 2:42 am

    This was much needed today. Thank you for your strength in vulnerability.

  • Reply
    Anna
    April 7, 2018 at 7:47 am

    Just wow! Jordan you are really good with words. God is sooo good and we are all sooo overly blessed. I’m really happy for you two and thank you for making me appreciate my boyfriend’s sensitivite side more.

  • Reply
    Cortney
    April 7, 2018 at 1:12 pm

    This was such a great post! Thanks, Jordan, for reminding me that sometimes the biggest blessings do scare the crap out of you and God is wanting us to have the courage and trust him that he’ll see us through and it’s ok!

  • Reply
    Devon Aragona
    April 8, 2018 at 1:37 am

    I’m pretty sure all I can say about this post is that it literally made me tear up. Great analogy and I understand what he is saying perfectly. The fear — not just over my relationship forever, but of letting others down. It has stopped my in my tracks on more than one occasion in more than area of my life. I am slowly saying no more to the fear, and telling myself I have to step into God’s plan.

    Beautifully written and an all time favorite. I’m now reading this to my boyfriend as well but the lesson it reminds me of is beyond even relationships. Thank you!

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